Hey people.
My cranial crockpot has been so full lately. Or has it been my
stomach that has been full? It could just be a full bladder. Hell…I know it
hasn’t been my wallet.
Life has been so…life has been…life.
I’ll give y’all a quick life recap.
Since moving back to Rexburg…
I was hired at four different jobs. Three of the jobs I actually
started the job but had to quit because I just was not in a good place physically
and more importantly – mentally – to do the work. The last job I couldn’t go to
the orientation because I was in the emergency room because my brain has been
and is continuing trying to murder me.
My head has been feeling like it was right after the car accident.
I can’t concentra…SQUIRREL! I’ve really been struggling with my memory – like, I
would lose playing a matching game against a toddler. I get overwhelmed by the
simplest of things – seriously – trying to decide what/where to eat or what to
wear is extremely difficult. I’ve had
some form of headache or migraine since the beginning of October, and I have
been lightheaded or dizzy every day.
It was extremely difficult for me to quit all of these jobs.
I really pride myself in being a hard worker – a good worker. I wasn’t in a
place that I could work a full-time job, let alone a part-time gig. I knew down
in my heart that I wasn’t in a place to be working, but I thought, this is what
I should be doing. One works. I felt like it was expected of me to get a job…never
from those around me but always from myself. I want to get on with my life. I
thought a job would help me get on with things. I was wrong.
I didn’t realize that getting on with my life (since the accident and everything that 2020 has thrown at me…) was about me healing – authentic healing – and everything that goes into becoming authentically me.
[please see vulnerability]
I used to be someone who would always plan for the worst
thing(s) to happen. I was a regular worst case scenario aficionado. I never was just in the moment – and it doesn’t
matter if the moment was good or bad – I was always waiting for the other shoe
to drop. It got to the point that the other shoe would always drop. I was in a
shoe storm. It felt like it was always raining soles – souls.
“In a culture of deep scarcity – of never feeling safe,
certain, and sure enough – joy can feel like a setup…We’re always waiting for
the other shoe to drop…Some of us…scramble to the bleakest, worst-case scenario
when joy rears its vulnerable head, while others never even see joy, preferring
to stay in an unmoving state of perpetual disappointment…Both of these ends of
the continuum tell the same story: Softening into the joyful moments of our
lives requires vulnerability…We’re trying to beat vulnerability to the punch.
We don’t want to be blindsided by hurt. We don’t want to be caught off-guard,
so we literally practice being devastated or never move from self-elected
disappointment…When we spend our lives (knowingly or unknowingly) pushing away
vulnerability, we can’t hold space open for the uncertainty, risk, and
emotional exposure” (Brene Brown, Daring Greatly).
I’ve learned quite a bit about myself this last year, but
especially these last few months.
1. It is okay not to be okay.
Dos. Progress not perfection.
Spork. Being and breathing.
D.
Leave space for peace.
5 GOLDEN RINGS!
Okay, can we just have a moment of appreciation for my numbering
system?
[moment of appreciation]
Nothing outside of me is going to understand what's going on inside of me. So for the first time ever I am letting people in.
I'm starting to chase the footsteps that I want to leave behind.
I am discovering the infinite power of my light.
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