Chase the Footsteps.

Hey people.

My cranial crockpot has been so full lately. Or has it been my stomach that has been full? It could just be a full bladder. Hell…I know it hasn’t been my wallet.

Life has been so…life has been…life.

I’ll give y’all a quick life recap.

Since moving back to Rexburg…

I was hired at four different jobs. Three of the jobs I actually started the job but had to quit because I just was not in a good place physically and more importantly – mentally – to do the work. The last job I couldn’t go to the orientation because I was in the emergency room because my brain has been and is continuing trying to murder me.

My head has been feeling like it was right after the car accident. I can’t concentra…SQUIRREL! I’ve really been struggling with my memory – like, I would lose playing a matching game against a toddler. I get overwhelmed by the simplest of things – seriously – trying to decide what/where to eat or what to wear is extremely difficult.  I’ve had some form of headache or migraine since the beginning of October, and I have been lightheaded or dizzy every day. 

It was extremely difficult for me to quit all of these jobs. I really pride myself in being a hard worker – a good worker. I wasn’t in a place that I could work a full-time job, let alone a part-time gig. I knew down in my heart that I wasn’t in a place to be working, but I thought, this is what I should be doing. One works. I felt like it was expected of me to get a job…never from those around me but always from myself. I want to get on with my life. I thought a job would help me get on with things. I was wrong. 

I didn’t realize that getting on with my life (since the accident and everything that 2020 has thrown at me…) was about me healing – authentic healing – and everything that goes into becoming authentically me.

[please see vulnerability]

I used to be someone who would always plan for the worst thing(s) to happen. I was a regular worst case scenario aficionado.  I never was just in the moment – and it doesn’t matter if the moment was good or bad – I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It got to the point that the other shoe would always drop. I was in a shoe storm. It felt like it was always raining soles – souls.

“In a culture of deep scarcity – of never feeling safe, certain, and sure enough – joy can feel like a setup…We’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop…Some of us…scramble to the bleakest, worst-case scenario when joy rears its vulnerable head, while others never even see joy, preferring to stay in an unmoving state of perpetual disappointment…Both of these ends of the continuum tell the same story: Softening into the joyful moments of our lives requires vulnerability…We’re trying to beat vulnerability to the punch. We don’t want to be blindsided by hurt. We don’t want to be caught off-guard, so we literally practice being devastated or never move from self-elected disappointment…When we spend our lives (knowingly or unknowingly) pushing away vulnerability, we can’t hold space open for the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (Brene Brown, Daring Greatly).

I’ve learned quite a bit about myself this last year, but especially these last few months.

1.  It is okay not to be okay.

Dos.  Progress not perfection.

Spork.  Being and breathing.

D.  Leave space for peace.

5 GOLDEN RINGS!

Okay, can we just have a moment of appreciation for my numbering system?

[moment of appreciation]

Nothing outside of me is going to understand what's going on inside of me. So for the first time ever I am letting people in.

I will never choose suffering again. I do not believe that pain is to be worshipped anymore. I have always learned from pain so I will be okay. I can learn from pain. I have proven that for decades. But what if I learn from joy?

It is all so hard because I am finally doing it right -- I am making myself a priority. -- I am truly listening to my mind, body, and soul. -- I am following my intuition and listening for my soul to tell me, "Yes. This is what we've been waiting for." --  I am taking it one day at a time.   -- I am creating. -- I am breathing. -- I am being. -- I am genuine. -- I am vulnerable. -- I am learning from joy. -- I am authentic. -- I am, me.

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy -- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." - Brene Brown

I'm starting to chase the footsteps that I want to leave behind.

I am discovering the infinite power of my light.

Hey People.

Hey people.

I figured now was good as ever to open my heart and cranial crock-pot.

I figured now was good as ever to see what's on the inside of me.

I figured now was good as ever to sit and feel.

You probably are figuring now is good as ever to be let in but the truth of the matter here is that I am letting myself out.

Hey people. 

I figure now is the time.

I figure now for me.

I figure.

Hey people. This year.

This year I've disappeared. 

Have you seen me? I've lost sight of me. I may be on the nearest milk carton. Have you seen me? I may be on the nearest milk substitute carton. 

Have I seen me? I may be on the nearest mirror carton. Would I even see myself if I looked? Have I seen me?

Would it help if I stepped out of the dark?

Would it help if I stepped back? 

Maybe this whole time I have been too close to see.

Hey people. I've stepped out of the dark. 

Hey people. I've stepped back.

I see.

Hey Jill. I see you.

I see that you are hurting. 

I see that you are lost.

I see that you are angry.

I see that you are running on empty.

Hey Jill. You can.

You can heal.

You can find yourself.

You can seek peace.

You can refuel. 

Hey Jill. Let.

Let others see you.

Let others help you.

Let others hold you.

Let others love you.

Hey Jill. 

I figure now is the time to say that I'm not okay.

I figure now is the time to say that I need help.

Hey Jill. Hey Jill. Hey Jill.

You've been set free.